'Hi.' Good lord, he couldn't believe his voice had actually cracked as he said it. Of all the times.
'Hey,' she smiled as broadly and sincerely as she could muster, 'how's it going?'
He smiled back, 'Good, good, everything's going great. Yourself?'
'Yeah. Yeah, pretty good.' There was a moment of silence.
'Oh, crap, sorry, do you want something to drink? I wasn't sure when you were gonna get here...'
She laughed a little sheepishly, 'Yeah, sorry I'm late. I don't suppose you're too surprised though.'
'It's all good.' he smiled wickedly, 'At the very least you're consistent with it. Seriously though, can I get you a rum and coke or something?'
'No, no, sit down, I'll get it. Do want anything while I'm up there?'
'No thanks, I'm good for the moment.'
''Kay.'
She walked to the bar as evenly as she could. Surely it had never been this hard to walk in a relaxed manner. Even the concept of it being difficult was ridiculous. She did it every day presumably, unless her usual style was bizarrely tense.
It was a worrying thought. She imagined herself walking down a street on an average day with randoms all around her thinking, 'my, what a bizarrely tense gait that girl has.'
It was nonsense of course. Her nerves stemmed from the fact that she was keenly aware of his eyes on her as she walked.
This, however, was not the case. He had, in fact, been quite careful not to watch her walk to the bar and so missed a few seconds of oddly stilted walking that, had he seen it, would perhaps have brought some levity to this cripplingly awkward situation.
In truth he was staring intently at the door with a carefully constructed expression of casual indifference. Unfortunately, his glazed, unfocussed eyes and his pallid complexion were an immediate giveaway.
She just wished she knew what she wanted from this situation. If she knew that then she might know what to do here, how she should act.
'Hi, what'll you have.' the barman asked in a neutral, business-like tone.
'Oh, hi, uh...yeah, sorry, dark rum and diet coke please.'
'Coming up'
'Oh, and some peanuts as well...dry roasted please.'
Peanuts would help, she thought. She was definitely in the mood to nibble. Maybe she should get the whole box? She smiled slightly at the thought.
The truth of the situation and her own indecision, she knew, went a little deeper than she'd let herself admit. As well as her own state of mind, she really didn't know how he felt about the whole thing. What did he want from her?
What did she want from him? That was what was driving him crazy. What had everything that had happened between them meant to her? Had there been any deeper feeling there or had it simply been a case of two friends, a little too much drink and an all-too convenient bedroom?
Another thing that nagged at him was why he cared so much. Why he always seemed to care so much when this kind of thing happened.
She couldn't help but think, why does it have to be anything more? Sex really isn't that big a deal when you get right down to it. She scooped up the peanuts that had been tossed in front of her.
After all, is it too much to want it to just be what it is? Maybe she just wanted to have a little fun, is that such an awful thing? When did it all get so complicated?
She sighed and handed the cash to the barman.
'Cheer up sweetheart,' he said jovially, 'it might never happen.'
She smiled weakly in response, not trusting herself to respond. She despised that particular snippet of condescending chirpy cockney crap. The phrase always managed, without fail, to put her in a bad mood. She shook it off. Focus.
Taking a deep breath she turned back to the table. Jack, seeing her coming, hurriedly lowered his glass, splashing a few hopefully unnoticeable drops of lager back at his nose.
'Hey' Oh God, he thought, why am I saying hello again? We've already done that. Check. It's off the bloody list. Move on.
'Hey' She suppressed a smile as he surreptitiously wiped the beer from his nose.
'So. What did you go for?' As good a place as any to start, he supposed.
'Oh, you know, the usual, dark rum and diet coke.' Dark and diet, the two elements you always seem to forget.
'Ah cool.' Of course rum and coke, he thought, always rum and coke, that was possibly the dumbest question ever. Even for small talk it was a tedious question.
'You?' She had to stop herself rolling her own eyes at that. Why on earth had she asked that? She could see that it was lager. It was always bloody lager.
'Lager' OK, he thought, that should hopefully exhaust the lame portion of this evening's entertainment.
'How was your day?' She asked, safe, neutral, standard.
Nope, he thought, the banality just keeps coming.
'Not bad, not bad. Nothing much to speak of to be honest.' he paused for a moment and looked at her. OK, let's bat the question back, 'You?'
OK, she thought, that was quite enough, 'Fine.' she said curtly, 'Listen, what's going on here?'
Whoa, he thought, where did that come from? The shock was mutual and they sat for moment just reeling. She had plunged them both into the icy water of the inevitable subject. Just like jumping straight into a cold body of water, it was unclear, in retrospect, whether the slowly-slowly method would not have in fact been the best idea ever.
They both reeled for a moment. His eyes were even wider than before and he was aware that his mask of casual indifference had slipped slightly.
'Sorry Julie, what?' that's it, he thought, perfectly legitimate and it gives you a little time to regroup. She took another deep breath and let slip a brief, nervous laugh. She held up a hand.
'I'm sorry. I...that came out a little more abruptly than I...' she stopped for a second. Alright, you're in it now, 'What I mean is, what do you see happening here. With you and me, I mean.'
Stay calm. He took a sip, not too much, stay cool don't start glugging it. Christ, what was he supposed to say to that.
She resisted the urge to chew her lip. Maintain eye contact, she thought, brace yourself. God, is he going to down the rest of his drink?
'You and me?' he asked redundantly. Oh come on man, he thought angrily, you're not in an exam, just answer the bloody question, 'Well I...uh, I really like you...' he looked down at the table. And so we return to the lame.
I really like you? What the hell is that? She had been worried that she'd put him on the spot but now she was just a little peeved. How wonderful that he likes me, she thought with heavy sarcasm, I can join that wonderful list alongside football, reading and going to the cinema with friends. Take me now.
I really like you? Did I just say that, he asked himself. Well, to be fair, what could I say? What does she want from me, some protestation of undying love? If anything he'd say that he'd stuck his neck out a little on that one.
'So...I don't know, where does that leave...I mean what do you think is happening here?' he stuttered gracelessly.
What do I think is happening here? She was incredulous, I think this is starting to look like a huge mistake, that's what I think.
'I don't know,' her tone was light but had an acid edge to it that even he couldn't miss, 'Why don't you tell me?'
There was danger here and he was more than a little baffled. Where had this thin ice come from all of a sudden? Was there any chance that they could go back to the small talk? He was more than a little resentful of the tone she had taken. After all, it did always seem to be him who kept getting his heart ripped out in this.
This meeting was meant to be so much simpler. She was meant to come in, sit down and say 'I want us to be together' or 'We made a mistake, let's just be friends - for definite this time.' Then she would possibly outline the reasons for whichever decision it was and he would manfully walk away, head held high.
Maybe he'd been a little pessimistic about his chances seeing as he hadn't really considered a best-case scenario. This, however, this was not how it was supposed to go. Alright, fuck it. He was so far past done with this crap.
'Well,' he said sharply, leaning forward with no hint of casual indifference in his now stormy expression. His voice had a harsh bitterness to it that she had never heard before, 'I don't know where we are. Usually that becomes clear to me around the point where you either tell me we should just be friends or we have sex. Which is it going to be today?'
Holy shit, he thought immediately, that was way too much.
Her expression hardened, 'Frankly, I'd say you've found yourself a whole new direction leading away from both of those.' she said as calmly as she could, 'Kudos.'
She was absolutely furious. Who the hell did he think he was to talk to her that way? She had done fuck-all wrong here.
He glared at her for a moment longer before his expression softened, 'Look, I...'
'No you look.' she realised quickly that she actually didn't have anything to say. She thought for a moment, 'Fuck you. You think I'm trying to mess you around? You think I enjoy this awkward back and forth we've got going on here? Have you ever stopped to think that maybe I'm a little...' she clawed desperately for a suitable word, '...nervous too?' she concluded lamely. Good grief - nervous? Is that really the only suitable word I can think of?
Nervous, he thought, I wouldn't say that I was nervous so much as terrified.
'Alright, alright. I'm sorry, it's just that,' huge breath, out with it, 'I just never know where I am with you. It's like being with two different people sometimes.'
'What are you talking about?' possibly a slightly disingenuous question on her part, she thought. She had a fair idea what he was talking about.
'Well, it's like, I'll spend the night and that's great but then afterwards it's like you're embarrassed to be with me or something.' embarrassed, ashamed, it's all good, he thought.
She wasn't sure she'd go as far as embarrassed, 'Look this whole situation is just,' what? What was it? How could she explain it? 'It's just a bit weird for me.' She winced imperceptibly. Why had she said weird? Why on earth would that be a good thing to say?
'Weird?' he asked as levelly as he could, which, it turned out, was not even remotely close to level, 'You find...whatever this is that we're doing - you find it weird?'
She cast about for a better way to express herself, 'No, forget that, weird's not what I meant to say. It's just that, this whole thing, it's not how I'm used to thinking of you and me. I mean, what, do you want us to be like girlfriend and boyfriend now?'
He felt it was slightly unnecessary to make the whole concept sound as ridiculous as she had. 'Well, I don't know. Would that really be so bad?'
They continued to look at each other as the question, the very concept hung in the air around them. The hum of traffic from outside remained constant, the quiet TV above the bar continued to softly mutter its stories to no-one in particular and pool balls clicked against each other with steady regularity as a casual game continued unabated.
Somehow the drama of this moment had failed to impress itself upon the world around them, though he felt like the world was holding its breath and for a moment nothing else existed aside from her face, whose expression of pained indecision provoked in him a dizzying and hopeless nausea.
She'd never wanted to hurt her friend and she wanted nothing more than to tell him that it would all work out, or perhaps take back everything that had happened between them. Of course she could do neither and, as she looked at the naked hope in his eyes, it broke her heart.
It just wasn't right. Oh, she loved him alright, she cared for him deeply, but she knew with depressing certainty that it wouldn't work as she felt her own gut reaction to the idea of them being together. Maybe it was bad timing, maybe she simply didn't feel that way about him, she couldn't be sure. All she knew was that this would be the best thing for both of them. Ok, she thought, suck it up. Let's not drag this out.
'Jack,' she said softly, she could see that he already knew what she was going to say as his shoulders sagged slightly and his eyes dropped away from hers, 'I just don't think it's a good idea. I'd really like it if we could just try and stay friends.'
It's a good thing he hadn't played out that best-case scenario, it would only have made this somehow even more disappointing for him. He stared at what was left of his pint as she waited, her hand unconsciously pushed out toward him. He didn't trust himself to meet her eyes. Ok, he thought, I guess I'm within my rights to make an exit.
He took a deep breath and tried to smile as he looked up. It didn't work, he didn't really have it in him.
'Right. Well, that's clear enough then,' at least this time he'd succeeded in keeping his voice level, thank God for small mercies 'Thanks for being straight with me I suppose.'
'Jack...' he raised his hand to cut her of and somehow managed to pull together a half-smile.
'Listen,' he said in a last-ditch effort to maintain his dignity, 'you've made your decision and that's cool but if we do this, then this has to be the last time we have this conversation, the last time anything like this happens between us, ok? Because basically there's only so many times I can stand to listen to you tell me that we should just be friends.' Ok, he'd wandered ever so slightly into bitter-town for that last bit but over-all it had gone pretty well. Oh yeah, you reign, he said to himself, you're the greatest.
She nodded wordlessly and looked away from him as he finished his drink and stood up.
'Listen,' he said, 'I'm going to head off if that's alright. I've got some stuff to do.' like sit alone in my room and re-run this car-crash of a conversation in my head again and again and again.
'Yeah, of course no worries. I'm going to head off myself' oh God, we can't leave at the same time, they both thought simultaneously, 'in a minute.' she continued quickly.
'Ok. So I guess I'll see you around sometime.'
'Yeah.'
After a brief pause they both leaned in to hug. The hug was quick and perfunctory with neither party wanting to hold on any longer than the other for different reasons.
He looked at her for a moment and then nodded and strode to the door. Outside, he leaned back against the wall beside the entrance and scrubbed both hands over his face. After a deep breath he fished his cigarettes from his pocket and lit one, his hands shaking.
He drew deep, held it and exhaled slowly. It didn't help even a little bit.
By Mark Clarke
